Have You Heard of the Illuminati?

On the flight back from L.A., my partner James takes the window seat and I get center. A heavy set guy, probably in his mid-thirties, who says he is an actor, sits down in the aisle seat and tells us he is flying home for his grandma’s 95th birthday. Then he says he’s into Black Metal, saw a band from Norway at the Whiskey last night and they were great. Apparently they wore goat heads and dark robes while they played their set.

And I says: Didn’t I read about those guys being a part of a cult that burned churches and performed Satanic rituals in the Norwegian woods? The lead singer for one of them ended up in prison for murdering a band mate in a human sacrifice, I believe. 
And he says: Oh yeah, but that’s not real Satanic worship. Those bands are just against Christianity. Actually, have you heard of the Illuminati?
And I says: Don’t they make snowboards or something?
And he says: No, they control all the banks and the government and worship the demon Mollusk or Marmaduke (didn’t catch the name but it starts with an M).
And my thought balloon reads: “Y’all haters corny with that Illuminati mess” and:

And he says: The Illuminati usually have a hermaphrodite at their center, like Michelle Obama.
And I says: Michelle Obama is a hermaphrodite? I don’t think so. She has two daughters.
And he says: No. Haven’t you seen her clavicles? That’s how you can tell. She’s a hermaphrodite and her husband is gay. Everyone in the cabinet belongs to the Illuminati and worships Satan.
And I says: No, I think they are Christians, but what’s the difference, since Satan doesn’t exist?
And he says: Do you know about Bohemian Grove?
And I says: Yeah, I know about Bohemian Grove, that’s where rich guys get together and pee in the forest.
And he says: No, they put on robes and perform human sacrifice to increase their power.
And I says: What power?
And he says: All the power.
And I says: I don’t believe it. History is littered with men donning silly dresses and begging for power from an imaginary friend in the sky. See just about any frat house come September. Or better yet, have you heard of organized religion? I doubt the rich guys at Bohemian Grove have made direct contact with some kind of tree spirit who is helping them rule the world. 
And he says: No it’s true. I saw it on YouTube.
And I says: I thought they didn’t allow cameras in Bohemian Grove.
And he says: Somebody snuck one in.
And I says: Some people think the world is full of power nodes that are magically activated with a drop of virgin blood. I choose to believe these rich white men maintain their power by belonging to an exclusive club that is only open to other rich white men.


Then I says: Hey dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to harsh on your belief system.
And he says: No big. I learned a long time ago that some people will be unable to hear the truth. After 9/11 my grandma asked me to stop sending her emails about it. But there’s a mountain of evidence. No MOUNTAINS OF evidence. 
And I says: Oh look, do you think that’s Fresno?
Turning as far away as I can, which isn’t far, I am in the middle aisle and this is Southwest Airlines. James sinks further down in his seat and pretends to snore.

Then he says: You know about the shape shifters right? I didn’t believe it at first but I’ve seen so many YouTubes; I mean they can’t all be faked. Periodically I get divine inspiration and this stuff just comes to me on my computer. You know about the crisis actors, right? Have you ever noticed how the same people are interviewed on TV after major tragedies like Katrina and Sandy Hook? Every time something bad happens, the same people show up on TV. 
And I says: You mean Sandy Hook didn’t really happen? Why would anyone fake that?
And he says: To maintain control. They control the money and they even control the energy. There is a machine that makes infinite energy with just magnets. Seriously. There is also an attachment that you can put into your car right now that runs on water. On water! But the powers that be have suppressed the technology. They won’t let us have it. And if you hook it to your engine, say a Chevy or a Volvo or something, THEY will come and take it away. They might even take YOU away. A friend of mine ended up in prison for installing those things.
And I says: I think an infinite energy machine is against the laws of physics, but what do I know? Anyway, there’s plenty of energy to be had if you ask me. I mean, we were just in L.A. and hardly anyone has solar panels on their roof. There’s a ton of energy coming right out of the sky; it’s called the sun. Have you ever wondered why people don’t convert to solar?
And he says: It’s because of the lizard people. I know it sounds weird, but actually the people in charge are shapeshifting lizard people from outer space.


And I says: Wait a minute. The Illuminati are also shape shifting lizard people?
And he says: Yes. They control the banking system and they won’t let us have an infinite source of energy that already exists. We have to revolt and force them to let us have control of our own money system and share their technology.
And I says: But we don’t need someone else to give us something. We can just get it for ourselves — like with solar energy.
And he says: No, they have to give it to us. Don’t you wonder why THEY are keeping it from us?

The weird thing is this guy isn’t the first person to let me in on this particular set of conspiracy theories. Is this a thing? How does that happen? Or have I been hoodwinked into believing in science and fact and the rational twaddle I take for the truth?

3 thoughts on “Have You Heard of the Illuminati?

  1. mara feder

    Wow, I’m so glad that sane men like Benjamin, James, and Mark T. are around to school these nutjobs that are probably the reason that we could very well have a nutjob for president. Hillary C. is no saint, that’s for damn sure, but at least she doesn’t pretend not to know who David Duke is.
    xoxoxo to my fab friends!!

  2. Benjamin Weil

    That guy has no idea how lucky he was to have you as a seatmate. It sounds like *quite* an exchange, and I’m impressed that you remembered it so well. Actually, I’d be just as impressed if you had made it all up.

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